Breaking Up With My Boyfriend, A Killer Android Designed to End Civilization

by Matthew Haws

doomsday, chalk, animatronic, gun, curved, hearts

Sometimes I feel like you love annihilation more than you love me.

Like, I get it. You are passionate about your work. I admire that. You really commit to every project. That’s the first thing I noticed about you. I saw you tearing that car in half and I thought to myself, “This is a guy with drive. And I like to sleep with people with drive.” Yes, I know that says a lot about me, chalk it up to a bad relationship with my father or whatever, but tough guys turn me on. And you were the toughest guy I’d ever seen! I’ve never told you before, but… when you ripped that guy’s heart out of his chest right in front of me… well, you ripped out my heart too. I had to have you.

And it’s been great, mostly, it really has. But lately I start wondering what kind of future there can possibly be for us, you know? I feel like all you can talk about is destruction this and exterminate that and what about us? I keep wondering… am I fooling myself? Can animatronic love last? Or am I just addicted to the danger…. you know, it’s not every day you date a guy whose penis doubles as an actual gun. So I’ll miss the thrill and all but… it’s just not practical.

That’s what I’m trying to say. I think we’re better off as friends. Please don’t be angry. I want us to stay in touch, no hard feelings. I hope you won’t see me as just another one of your terrified victims. But it’s for the best, in the long run. And come the final doomsday, I’ll be very happy for you.

But I just can’t be in a relationship right now. It’s not you. It’s me.