Rug-Pocalypse: A Short (Role) Play

By Ross Compton

beginner, essential, shag, bleakly, fuzzy, rotten

There are rugs everywhere. They vary in shape, size and color. Many cover the floor. Some are stuck to the walls. Others hang from the ceiling. All of them are vibrant and furry, as if made from Muppet flesh. Just rugs, rugs and more rugs. The only non-rug item in the room is an old, wooden chair that sits at the center of it all. Eventually, we see an old man wearing nothing but rags hobble on. He has a long tree branch that he uses as a walking stick. He makes his way to the chair and sits very slowly. He turns to us, the audience.

OLD MAN

I ‘member life before the End of Days. I might be the only one, though. That’s why I took it upon m’self to tell others of what once was. It’s essential to keep the past alive. People come--well, what’s left a people, anyway-- they come from all over to hear me talk ‘bout it. It does get lonely, I do admit. Cause it’s jus me here. Well, me and Gregory, that is. (Turns to the chair he’s sitting in and addresses it) Ain’t that right, Gregory?

Gregory doesn’t talk. He’s a chair.

OLD MAN

That’s right, Gregory. So anyhow, I-

Looks at the chair, which does and says nothing

OLD MAN

Yeah, Gregory. I understand. Save that for later. (To the audience) I member life was a beautiful-(suddenly to the chair) WILL YOU SHUT UP? JUST SHUT UP! YOU HAD YOUR MOMENT, AND I’M IN NO MOOD TO TALK POLITICS RIGHT NOW! (Back to audience) Damn. I member life was a beautiful kaleidoscope of sights, sounds and feeling. There was buildings as tall as the clouds in the sky. And the clouds in the sky, they was actually clouds instead of the horrible squid-things that shit everywhere like we got now. But the thing I miss the most about the ole world is simple, beautiful, lovely, love. The love between people. Between a man and a woman. Between a man and man. Between a woman and a woman. Between two men and a women. Between two men and then a third man who came later cause he couldn’t find the apartment they was meetin’ at. Between 5 men, 2 woman and then one person who no one can..really figure out what they are. Between a man, by himself, and season 5 of Gilmour Girls on DVD. Between a handful of men and a real big cat. Not like a lion or a tiger, but like just a freakishly huge house cat. Between a freakishly huge house cat and a really tiny horse. Between a miniaturized version of me, riding a really tiny horse through canyons, only the canyons are boobs, and then a bunch Indians show up, and they say “We’re gonna kill, ya.” And I say, they only way ta kill me through my penis, and then we have a boob canyon-orgy. And it’s all set to “The Bends” by Radiohead. That’s really more of a fantasy and couldn’t feasibly happen, I suppose, but honest ta God I just can’t stop thinking about it. (Pause) Love. That’s what I miss the most.

There is a rustling off to the side. It is a huge, fuzzy, PURPLE RUG. The biggest one in sight. It begins to vibrate, and emits a low, almost feminine moan. The OLD MAN stares, and for the first time, is visibly shaken. He recovers, brushes it off and returns his attention to us, the audience.

OLD MAN

So you’re all probably wonderin’, “what happened to love”? You’re also thinking, “what’s with all the rugs”? And probably, “why are they shitty-ass squids in the sky”? Well I can tell ya that. Ain’t that right, Gregory?

Gregory does nothing again. OLD MAN suddenly looks incredibly offended. He slowly stands up, picks up the chair and bashes it against the floor again and again and again until all that’s left is splinters.

OLD MAN

Asshole. When the apocalypse happened, it come in waves. It also come in many different forms. Some regions of the world got just aliens. Some regions got aliens and an earthquake. I know Germany just exploded. Iceland got sucked in a black hole. Denver is int’resting. In Denver, everybody just got mono. For like 6 months. And that’s it. They all fine now. I’d move up there, but, you know, the altitude is just…..so yeah. It was all s’ strange, though. It was as if earth couldn’t make up its mind on how to end everything. Like it was forced to watch a Roland Emmerich movie marathon and then decided to commit suicide via Roland Emmerich movie plot-lines. It was awful everywhere. But this region. The place that I call home. This twas a special case. The skies opened up. The squids came. Pooped a lot. We thought, that’s not so bad. Sure, there was lots a clean-up. Everything smells like rotten eggs now. But we can deal with it. But see, our punishment was more intricate. More needlessly complicated. Some real convoluted bullshit. It turned out, the squid fecal matter had life giving properties. But it only gave life ta one thing.

The OLD MAN looks around and lifts his hands in the air, indicating the rugs.

OLD MAN

These rugs is sleeping now. That’s just cause they know I gots comp’ney. But when they wake up, only one thing will be on their mind: S-E-X. Not with each other, either. They only want what humans got. For the rug, it’s a most pleasurable, magnificent moment of ecstasy. For the human…well, let’s just say there ain’t no post-coital cigarette.

More moaning from the fuzzy, PURPLE RUG, which actually begins to lurch forward a bit. The OLD MAN turns suddenly, terrified. The fuzzy, PURPLE RUG stops and lies still. The OLD MAN stands there, staring bleakly at the gargantuan mound of purple fuzz. Without looking back at the audience, he begins speaking again.

OLD MAN

Some people call it the rug-pocalypse. Others call it the shag-pocalypse, which is like a play on words I guess on how they’re rugs, and they also like to have sex. Most of the people who used the term shag-pocalypse are dead now, and I’m kinda glad because I really hate puns. I just call it cold, blooded murder. (Takes his walking stick and begins to move closer to the PURPLE RUG.) How do I know all of this you ask? I could say it’s because I’m wise. Because I’ve been around a stretch. But the real answer is much less of a cop out. I know all of this cause a squid told me. Oh, yeah, they can talk. We had coffee. It was fun. (Leans in, as if telling a secret) You know, the squid just took a shit right there in the café. Right there in his seat. So, I don’t think it’s a malicious thing. I’m pretty sure it’s involuntary. I actually feel really bad for those squids.

The PURPLE RUG starts to shake and moan again, only this time, it almost sounds impatient.

OLD MAN

I KNOW! I know. (looks at the audience) I’m afraid…my time has come. I must surrender myself to the carnal desires of this relentless, mutant throw rug. Just member, that love…love was once beautiful. And not some weird-ass, David Lynchian nightmare on acid.

The PURPLE CARPET seems to open up, as if to accept him. The OLD MAN drops his stick, and resigns himself to his fate. He drops his pants and slowly starts to lower himself onto the carpet. He then stops and pulls himself back up, as if not ready. The PURPLE RUG moans impatiently. He starts to lower himself again, slowly. Suddenly a hand comes out of the rug and pulls on him. He pulls away with the strength and agility of a young man. This is because he is a young man.

OLD MAN

Stop, stop, stop! I can’t do it, Jess. I’m sorry. I just can’t.

A young woman emerges from the rug. We see that it was actually several rugs that had been duck taped to herself.

JESS

What?!?! Honey, we were so close! WE WERE SO CLOSE! What happened!

OLD MAN

I don’t know! Things were going really well. I was talking about squid poop and Gilmour Girls and I was like “Yeah, this is hot. Awesome.” But then I started going into the whole “what love USED to be”. That love WAS beautiful. And it just, made me sad. And scared.

JESS

I just don’t understand it, Glenn. We’ve tried so many things. And I feel that I’ve been patient with you ever step of the way. I was on board when you wanted to start watching videos, and when that didn’t do the trick, we went to therapy together. I went with you to that convention with all the creepy guys in giant bear costumes. And now, I’ve agreed to try this role-play stuff. I’ve been right there with you, Glenn. I understand that you’re having a problem with…us. With intimacy. And I’m willing to do whatever will help us through it. So if you say we need to fabricate a post-apocalyptic scenario for where you’re a wise old sage that talks to no one, and I’m some strange creature that devours you after sex, praying mantis style, I say, “Where can I buy the stage make-up?” What I don’t understand, is how you’re able to keep sabotaging yourself like this.

GLENN

I know. I know.

JESS

And I’m still a beginner at this whole storytelling thing, but why do squids need to be involved at all? We spent 4 hours buying all these rugs at the dollar store and you never mentioned maybe looking for some hoses and suction cups.

GLENN

It was a last minute addition I thought of at the end of Dress Rehearsal, but by then the stores were closed. I’ve been reading a lot of Lovecraft lately and I just wanted to squeeze a Cthulhu homage in there.

JESS

That’s fine, Glenn. But when you mentioned it being a bit convoluted, you weren’t kidding. Not to mention, this is the third chair I’ve let break in a role play scenario. I’m amazed at how you somehow manage to always work that in.

GLENN

I know, I KNOW! It doesn’t make any sense. I don’t make any sense. I guess… as we get closer and closer to the end of the whole role-play, you know, when the actual S-E-X happens, I get more and more nervous. So I start to ramble on about pointless, pop culture bullshit. But the funny thing is, in that web of non-sense I was weaving for myself, I started to find a truth about my…about our situation. When we first started getting serious, and when we were newly-weds, it was so wonderful and…effortless. It was a time when love was beautiful. It was the time before our rug-pocalypse. But now, we’re in our rug-pocalypse. Love feels weird. And I really do miss what it used to be. Back when I didn’t feel uselessand I still felt physically compatible to you. When I wasn’t scared that you might think I don’t love you anymore because of my intimacy issues. That’s not true, I love you more than anything in the whole world. But I completely understand if you’ve had enough. If this is too weird for you, I wouldn’t blame you for leaving.

Pause. Jess takes Glenn’s hand

JESS

Weird can be a good thing. And I think you’re going deaf because I already told you, I will try anything. I know you love me. You show me that every day. Ok?

GLENN

Ok.

JESS

Hey. That whole thing with the tiny horse, and the Indian orgy. Where did that come from?

GLENN

Uh…that. That’s actually….something I’ve thought about.

JESS

Yeah?

GLENN

Yeah.

JESS

So….do you wanna take a look at my boob canyons, tiny cowboy?

GLENN

Oh god. Uh…yeah.

JESS 

You wait here. I’ll go grab “The Bends.”

END OF PLAY