SMELLY DELI

by Katie Rose Krueger

phonetic, adsorbable, quantum, bronze, delicatessen, duke

Charles stared at the bronze bust before him. He was not impressed. This was, after all, supposed to be the spitting image of his dear father, Duke Sidney of Charleston. It looked more like his Aunt, Lady Edna, who he confined to the kitchen. With a flick of his hand, the servants knew to take it away. It would be left in the basement with all the other botched artwork sent as gifts to his royal family. Charles let out a long sigh and rested his chin against his gloved hand.

Charles was now the Duke of Charleston, and he loathed the alliteration of it all, particularly because he struggled with phonetics as a child. His speech teacher, Gerald, remained a dear friend to him to this day, even after his retirement. Charles often had his personal chauffeur drive him to the delicatessen twenty miles down the road, just so he could get away and see Gerald in his new element. Gerald always had a thing for sandwiches.

One day, Charles entered Gerald’s deli and noticed a strange smell. Gerald was known to import all kinds of cheeses from all over Europe, but this odor was different. In fact, the driver had to wait outside after securing his weekly pickle from the barrel, as he couldn’t handle the stench. Charles looked around and didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. He rang the bell on the counter, and Gerald came strolling out, wearing a lab coat and a pair of goggles pushed up over his thinning, silver hair. Gerald greeted Charles with delight and asked what Charles wanted to order. Before Charles could ask, Gerald cleared the air, so to speak.

“I bet you’re wondering what that smell is…” Gerald acknowledged. “It’s just a little experiment I’ve been trying out. Come see!”

Gerald led Charles behind the counter into the refrigerated storage area. Charles had to hold his nose as the smell increased in pungency. There was an extremely large glass case, with foreign-looking substances in it, as well as dozens of measuring cups, beakers, and… slices of bread.

“I am working on a whole new invention for the classic sandwich!” Gerald exclaimed. “By taking spoiled milk, which is essentially what cheese is, and re-processing it as an adsorbable entity, I then combine it with this hunk of ham, which I had leftover from Easter supper, to make the ultimate ham-and-cheese sandwich!”

Charles stared at his old friend in horror. His father, Duke Sidney, loved ham-and-cheese sandwiches, but he knew Daddy would be rolling in his grave if he heard about this. Charles smiled and patted Gerald on the back, not wanting to dash his spirits.

“Do you want to try it?” Gerald asked.

Again, not wanting to disappoint his friend, Charles obliged. He took the smallest quantum of sandwich possible and slowly placed it in his mouth, while continuing to pinch his nostrils with the other hand. As he carefully chewed, he saw Gerald with an eager look in his eye, waiting for his former student’s consensus.

“Well?!” Gerald urged. “What do you think?”

Charles swallowed, and hesitated before he spoke: “By Jove, you’ve done it, old man! This is the most delicious sandwich I’ve ever tasted!”

Gerald beamed, and shared more of the ham-and-cheese with Charles. They both knew they would have to increase their frequency of bathing, invest in some cologne, and forget about ever getting married, but at least they would always have something tasty to eat.

Eve Was Blonde

by Matthew Haws

excessive, ladybug, apple, blonde, parasite, egocentric

Eve was blonde. That's not why she did it, exactly, but she was. Her hair fell in the sort of gently curling locks that I have since learned human men love. Go figure.

I am a snake, what do I know of these things?

Eve was blonde. Like most blondes, she was seen as beautiful but unintelligent. Men wanted to have her and take care of her. Men wanted to think for her. Well, a certain kind of man. And Adam, by default, was that kind of man. What else could he have been?

Every Eve knows an Adam or two. If she's lucky she'll steer clear of them. But my Eve, the Eve, didn't have much of a choice. There was only one man around, unless you count God, which I'm not at all sure you can.

Is God a man? He sounds like one, but what do I know. I'm a snake. I don't pay much attention to such things.

Humans didn't interest me much back then, just one more addition to a garden already overflowing with life. I minded my own business. We all did. Adam appeared one day and we barely noticed. It was the creation, things were appearing out of nowhere all the time. Then Eve was made and we barely blinked.

Everything came in twos. God had a thing for sex. That's why he made so many rules about it.

Eve was blonde. Maybe that's why Adam treated her like that, like he owned her. Maybe its because she was created from his rib? "Go get some berries, Eve," he would say, "No, not those ones. What's wrong with you? You wouldn't last a day without me."

"What should we name this creature? A ladybug?? That's a terrible name! Never mind, I'll do the naming myself."

"Why did you tie your hair back like that? I don't care if it gets in your eyes, I like it better the other way."

"Ha ha, your crotch is so weird, Eve. You are missing this cool dangly thing."

"Don't look me like that. I am the master of the garden, God even said so. Now pick up around here, it's a mess."

So egocentric. So many rules. "Don't eat the fruit of that tree," God said. He never said that to any of the rest of us. We ate from that tree all the time (those of us who like apples, which I don't - I'm a snake). I started to think God was just messing with these two new things. With Eve, anyway. I tried to mind my business, I really did. But it bothered me. And I don't let things bother me. Not usually.

"Hey," I told her. I never spoke to anybody.

"Hey," she said. She was gathering leaves for Adam to sleep on. He didn't like the hard, cold earth.

"What's your deal?" I asked. "Why do you hang with that Adam guy?

"I'm his helpmeet," she said, like it explained everything.

"Right." I stuck out my tongue for a bit. It helps me think. "Seems more like you're his slave."

"You are just a snake," she said, "What do you know?"

"Fair enough." My feelings would have been hurt, but I'd heard it all before. Nobody loves a snake. Maybe that's why I never felt like I owed God any favors.

She walked away and I thought that was the last of that, but then I started seeing her everywhere I went, like she was intentionally trying to put herself in my path. I tried to ignore her. Then I saw the bruises.

"Adam wanted to prove he was stronger," she said when I asked.

"What an asshole," I said.

"Don't talk about him like that!"

"Listen, Eve. This is a big garden. It's safe, there's lots of food. You don't need this guy. You've got skills. You would be just fine on your own."

She bit her lower lip and stared into my eyes. "I couldn't. I wouldn't last a day without him."

"Right. Let's find out how long he'd last without you to gather his food for him."

"But I'd be lonely."

I hesitated. Don't get involved, I thought. It's none of your business.

"I would keep your company."

Her eyebrows raised. "You? But... you're just a snake." It was what I expected to hear, but her heart wasn't in it. I could hear that right away. She was thinking about it.

She thought about it a lot after that. So did I. We would meet up now and then and talk, and she always brought it up.

"If we left," she would say, in a hypothetical tone, "Where would we go?"

"Anywhere we wanted," I said. "There's lots to see. Maybe we could even see whats outside the garden."

"Outside? But its perfect in here."

"I know. Isn't it boring?"

She was quiet for a long time. "Yes."

At last I couldn't take it anymore. You can only pretend to mind your own business for so long. Once you are involved, you are involved. I had made my mistake the moment I first spoke to her. Now there was no turning back.

"Look, let's do it. Let's go. Today."

She shook her head. "I want to but..."

"Hey, you are braver than you know, Eve. You just need to prove it to yourself. You need to do something wild... you need to break one of the rules."

"What?"

"Yeah. Break a rule. Be your own person. Don't let them control you."

"But which rule?"

"I don't know! How about..." I looked around, and then I saw it. That tree. The random tree that "thou shalt not eat thereof." Perfect.

"Eat that fruit."

"But that's the fruit we are forbidden to eat!"

"Yes, Eve. That's exactly the point. Don't play dumb, I know Adam likes it but you are better than that. You know exactly what I'm talking about."

Her face grew solemn. "There's no going back after this," she said. "You promise when I leave you'll go with me?"

Snakes don't get choked up with emotion, as a rule, but I got close right then. "Yes. I'll be by your side forever, if you'll have me."

She ate the fruit. I would have wept, if I had tear ducts. It was the most beautiful sight I'd ever seen, the crunch, the juice dripping down the corners of her mouth, the fierce defiance blazing in her eyes. She'd already been created, but now she was alive. She finished the apple and laughed. I hissed. We danced around the tree. She took a few apples to go, and then we left.

And it was all perfect, more perfect than anything in that perfect world, until we reached the edge of the garden. The world outside looked bleak and terrible. Pain and suffering and death lurked out there. I eyed Eve nervously. She'd gone pale.

"Come on," I said, "We can handle this."

"I... I can't," she said. "I should get back to Adam."

I coiled up, agitated.

"Look, this was a lovely fantasy," she said, "But I can't just run off. I have to go back. I... I want to."

"No, you don't. That's him talking, not you."

"Shut up," she said.

"You can't go back now, you already ate the apple."

"I... I will get him to eat it too. I think I can."

"Eve," I said, "Don't do this. You could be so much more than this."

"You don't know anything."

"I love you."

"You're just a snake."

And she left. I heard about all the rest. "The serpent beguiled me," she said, "and I did eat." God cursed me for that, but no curse could make me any more miserable than I already was.

Eve was blonde. She was smart, and fierce, and capable. She could have made the whole earth a garden of paradise. She deserved better.

But what do I know? I'm just a snake.

The Cow and the Snail

by Katie Rose Krueger

daytime, field, bringer, arbitrary, assassination, grinding

The sun shined down on Farmer Ben’s abode. A beautiful April day, just as it should be. He looked out at his herd scattered on the grass, noticing number AC58237 under the shade of the maple tree, like she always does. He wondered why she spent so much time away from the pack, but didn’t dwell on it. She was in perfect health and produced plenty of milk, so he didn’t mind. He walked back into the barn to go about his work for the day.

Number AC58237 watched Farmer Ben walk inside. She liked to refer to herself as “Casey,” though, especially around her best friend, Stu. Stu was a snail that lived in the bushes surrounding the maple tree. Though it took him awhile to travel to their daytime conversation, he never missed an appointment. Casey smiled as she saw him approach.

“Good morning, Stu,” she greeted, grinding the last bit of grass between her teeth.

“Good morning, Casey,” replied Stu, with a somber look on his face.

“What’s the matter, Stu?” asked Casey, concerned for her friend.

Stu launched into his story, holding back tears. Casey had to hold back her own as she listened to him describe the assassination of their leader, Mayor Snoodle. Mayor Snoodle was making his annual visit to the Caterpillar Community in the neighboring cornfield. It was a month-long excursion, but always yielded positive outcomes. The Snails and Caterpillars worked together and supported each other just like family.

On this journey, however, the outcome was a negative one. As Mayor Snoodle crossed the dirt road that ran between the two farms, the evil Barry Boilhead, an eleven-year-old boy from down the way, smashed every snail in his beady-eyed sight that day. Only one snail had made it all the way across the road: one of Mayor Snoodle’s guards, and Stu’s brother, Sam. When Sam made the lonely trek back home, he was tasked as the bringer of bad news. Their leader was gone.

“I’m so sorry, Stu,” Casey said as she consoled her friend. “Is there anything I can do?”

Stu hesitated before speaking, “Actually… there is. It may seem arbitrary, but when the sun hits high noon today, could you please have a moment of moo-ness in Mayor Snoodle’s honor?”

“Why, I’d be happy to, Stu.” Casey replied. “I’ll get the whole herd involved.”

Stu smiled, thanked his friend Casey the Cow, and made his trek back inside the bush.

As Farmer Ben settled into his rocker for his lunch break, he couldn’t wait to sink his teeth into his egg salad sandwich. But before he could take his first bite, a sound stopped him short. He squinted out towards the pasture and saw number AC58237 leading all 49 cows into a clump, their heads tilting towards the sky and mooing the longest, saddest moo he’d ever heard. He didn’t understand it, but he suddenly felt the urge to remove his straw hat, and moo right along with them.