Hero's Journey

by Ross Compton

MYSTICAL, GOAT, ENCOUNTER, ALWAYS, EYE, HUMBLE

The stage is completely black. We begin to hear a noise that sounds like someone ruffling through a pile of plastic cartridges. We then hear the sound of a person blowing into something multiple times. It is now clear that a man or woman is about to play an old school video game. We hear the click of the cartridge entering the game system and the flip of the power switch. The lights come up dimly to reveal a dank and spooky dungeon. The dripping of anonymous liquid echoes throughout the dreary, blood-stained halls. We hear ominous “danger music” that would be at home in a video game epic. Enter a vaguely medieval looking ADVENTURER. He is wearing a helmet, carries a shield in one hand, and a ratty sack in the other. He notices a couple of torches on the wall and sets down the sack to grab one of them. The ADVENTURER then proceeds to carefully scan his surroundings for beasties. Suddenly, we see smoke billow from upstage, and from this smoke emerges a MYSTICAL SAGE. He holds a staff and is wearing a shimmering white gown. The SAGE floats downstage until he is directly behind the Adventurer. He stops. He inhales deeply and then speaks in a dulcet baritone.

SAGE

Greetings, young Cuff. My name is Shananaha.

CUFF

(startled) YAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

CUFF throws his torch at the SHANANAHA. He becomes engulfed in flames. Beat.

SHANANAHA

It’s so nice to finally meet you.

CUFF

Stand back, demon! Or you shall engage in a battle you won’t soon forget!

SHANANAHA

Fear not, Cuff: Hero of the Peasants. I am a mystical and mysterious sage, and it is my duty to guide you in your quest to find the Dodecah-Force.

CUFF

Oh! I apologize, sire. (beat) Excuse me, sire, but the flames! Are they not painful?

SHANANAHA

My boy! Are your elven ears clogged with Goblin’s wax? I am a sage! The fire is like 100 feathers tickling me simultaneously! And extinguishing them is as simple as *snaps fingers* (The flames disappear)

CUFF

Kaloo Kalay! What a joy it is to encounter such a wise and powerful being!

SHANANAHA

Indeed! (Pause) Excuse me a second.

SHANANAHA walks off stage and there is a beat.

SHANANAHA

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Why, God!? Whyyyyy! AGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

SHANANAHA walks back in, showing no sign of his episode.

SHANANAHA

Now young Cuff, because it is dangerous to go alone, I shall bestow upon you an ancient weapon of great magnitude: The Warrior Sword. Once you wield it, you shall be transformed from impish wanderer to valiant soldier. A soldier who shall finally bring peace and prosperity back to the fair land of Hey-Yah.

SHANANAHA produces a chest from beneath his cloak. He presents it to CUFF. As he does we hear a familiar “you’ve unlocked a secret” music cue. CUFF reaches his hand out to touch it but SANANAHA pulls it away.

SHANANAHA

But first, you must bear evidence of your fortitude! Have you completed the three challenges, thereby acquiring the coveted bounty needed to prove your worth?

CUFF

I have indeed, sire. It’s right her in this sack. (CUFF retrieves the sack and hands it to SHANANAHA)

SHANANAHA

Excellent, my boy!

CUFF

Yes! Eight severed goat heads, all of them—

SHANANAHA

Wait, what!?

CUFF

I said “Eight severed goat heads, all of them…”

SHANANAHA

(drops the bag) What the hell? Why are you giving me a bag of bloody goat heads?

CUFF

Well sire, what would you accept in its place?

SHANANAHA

…money! How about some money? Something with actual monetary value!

CUFF

I’m sorry, Shananaha.

SHANANAHA

What is wrong with you? These poor goats. (SHANANAHA becomes emotional regarding the goats)

CUFF

But mighty sage, I completed all the challenges as I was instructed to by the ancient scrolls.

SHANANAHA

You threw a spear into the eye of the stone Cyclops?

CUFF

Surely!

SHANANAHA

You played the “Butcher’s Lament” on your enchanted Theremin?

CUFF

Every night!

SHANANAHA

You both courted and then laid with all twelve of the Troll King’s widows?

CUFF

The chafe still remains! I fear it shall never leave!

SHANANAHA

And upon completion of these tasks, did Kleek-Klak the Albatross not lead you to the chest containing the 100 rubies?

CUFF

Truly he did! I held these rubies in my very hands!

SHANANAHA

So….what gives?

CUFF

Well, I put these rubies into my satchel and mounted my pony: Horse.

SHANANAHA

Pony-horse?

CUFF

No. He’s a pony. His name is Horse. It’s meant to motivate him, you know? To be more like a swift and trusty horse and not.. an awful, smelly little pony. Anyway, we made haste up the hills as the majestic sun made its descent behind the mountain tops. Mid-journey, I began to feel parched so we stopped off to have a drink of water. As I knelt down in the sands of the Boo-Bah Bay beside the Lanaina Lay-la Lake to quench my thirst, I suddenly found myself being approached by a decrepit, old man with a long beard and only one leg. He said that he owned a shop nearby and wanted to show me his merchandise. He mentioned that he had something that would help me on my journey. I told Horse to stay, which confused him and then he promptly drowned himself. He was a very dumb pony and in hindsight the motivational name tactic was clearly a fools-errand. The one-legged man took me to a cave where he had a display set up. A rusty candle stick for 25 rubies. A rusty bracelet for 50 rubies. And a strange sack for 100 rubies! The very amount I had on my person! I inquired as to what was in the sack. He countered with another question. “Where are you headed?” I am on my way to collect the Warrior’s Sword and bring peace to Heyyah, I say. And he says, “What a coincidence. The contents of this sack is precisely what you’ll need to obtain the sword!” So I paid him and took the sack. And here we are.

SHANANAHA

(Pause) So…you just trusted the guy?

CUFF

Yes.

SHANANAHA

Did you even look in the bag?

CUFF

I did. And I admit at first it did give me pause. But he told me that every one of these heads belonged to a goat with the heart of a champion. And that true riches don’t come from rubies or gold, rather it comes from what is on the inside--oh my god, he totally scammed me.

SHANANAHAN

Well, this is just fantastic.

CUFF

But..but he seemed legitimate. He had a shop!

SHANANAHA

Just because a guy has a cave with some junk propped up on a table doesn’t mean he operates a business. I’m pretty sure he was just homeless.

CUFF

It was an honest mistake.

SHANANAHA

Really? None of that seemed strange to you?

CUFF

Well, SO MANY different people have been telling me what to do and where to go that I don’t know who to listen to anymore! When an Albatross speaks to you and then gives you a chest of riches, a slightly shady looking amputee doesn’t seem that odd.

SHANANAHA

Get out.

CUFF

What about the Warrior Sword?

SHANANAHA

You don’t get a Warrior Sword today. Get out.

CUFF

But you said it’s dangerous to go alone!

SHANANAHA

It is. And I hope you get fucking murdered. GET OUT!

Suddenly, three armored PIG-MAN beasts enter with swords drawn. They let out a horrific battle cry! CUFF springs into action and takes two at a time. SHNANAHA grabs his staff and battles the third one. CUFF thwacks a PIG-MAN in the head, knocking it to the ground. CUFF brings the shield down upon the PIG-MAN repeatedly, beating it to death. He then makes short work of the other beast with a spear through the throat. SHANANAHA disintegrates the last PIG-MAN with a mystic blast from the end of his staff. Pause.

SHANANAHA

I’m sorry, it’s always aggravating when that happens. Anyway, get out.

CUFF

I don’t understand. I had already vanquished these beasts earlier at the front dungeon entrance.

SHANANAHA

I know. They regenerate after 20 minutes or so. I spend most of my time in this dungeon killing these things over and over.

CUFF

So they just keep coming out of this corridor here? *gasp* What’s this?! All of your pots! I smashed them all on my way in here! Yet here they stand intact!

SHANANAHA

Yes, they magically regenerate as well. Also, I’m not sure why you feel it’s ok to smash other people’s belongings for seemingly no reason, you psychopath. Now will you please leave?

CUFF

Yes. (beat) And you should come with me.

SHANANAHA

Come with you? Humble yourself, lowly turd-chunk! I am Shananaha, the mystical sage! I am here to provide wisdom, ancient relics and general gravitas to those who are worthy. It has been my job for centuries and it shall remain my job…forever. (SHANANAHA is a bit shaken to say this out loud)

CUFF

Exactly. Have you ever known anything else?

SHANANAHA

Well, no but…

CUFF

And clearly none of the other would-be warriors you’ve encountered have brought peace to the kingdom.

SHANANAHA

No, quite the opposite in fact. Most of them find out that they have to use their brain and solve puzzles so they just quit. Oh, and one guy was pecked to death by a bunch of angry chickens.

CUFF

So why continue to toil under these less than satisfactory conditions, Shananaha? Why keep going through the motions? That’s what I’m asking myself at this very moment! I run around this infernal land searching for trinkets that only lead me to more trinkets and so on. Accomplishing menial tasks commanded of me by an ancient scroll that was written so long ago that we have no idea who wrote it or if her or she was of any significance or wisdom at all. For all we know, we found some lonely nerd’s Fan Fiction. None of it makes any sense! I do not know what a Dodecah-Force even is. And what does playing a song about cured meats on an enchanted Theremin have to do with finding a sword?

SHANANAHA

At least it wasn’t an enchanted recorder. That shit conjures up tornadoes. (looks out into the distance solemnly) so many children’s band recitals, so many needless deaths.

CUFF

Even so. Just as these unfortunate beasts are doomed to a never-ending cycle of death and re-birth, so are we doomed to embark on quests for things that are unattainable to us.

SHANANAHA

(pause) I think that you’re right, young Cuff.

CUFF

Indeed, I am. So what say you!? Shall we exit this dreary dungeon, head to the Vavathathashnosh Village, locate the nearest tavern to enjoy a fine mead and then leave the land of Heyyah forever?

SHANANAHA

(Pause) I say, “yay”!

CUFF

Huzzah! Then let us depart!

SHANANAHA

Ah, but first, let me give you what you came here for! I’m pleased to say, that at long last, someone was worthy enough to receive this. And that someone is you, Cuff.

SHANANAHA hands CUFF the chest. CUFF opens it and pulls out the glorious Warrior Sword! He lifts it about his head and points it skyward as he triumphantly beams toward the audience. We hear a familiar, victorious fanfare that tells us “He’s found something good!” Suddenly, the music starts to skip and experience loud, static-y feedback. The lights go out. We hear a voice.

VOICE

Dammit. Stupid game. *sighs* whatever. I’m gonna smoke some pot.

END OF PLAY