Queen of All Snow

by Katie Krueger

bacteria, bitterness, bronze, coincidence, company, tongue

ZOE:

Welcome to the 2014 Winter Olympics in So-Cheese, Russia!

I am your host, Miss Prettiest Queen of alllllllll the Snow!

You are in good company today, with Mr. Bear, Perry the Stuffed Penguin, and of course, the entire cast of Littlest Pet Shop Critters.

Please hold your applause until the main event.  The contestants will be lining up one by one to compete for the coveted gold, silver, and bronze medals.  Fourth place or lower will receive a consolation prize for participating, so please, keep the bitterness to a minimum!

I would like to introduce our first athlete: Fluffy, the Cat! She comes from Persia, and has a tongue like sandpaper to keep her soft fur all going the same direction.  She may look indifferent, but I assure you she is quite a force to be reckoned with!

Next up is Minnow, the Goldfish! He (or she – we still haven’t figured it out) can swim circles around any bowl, and it is no coincidence that he is a distant relative of the Zander fish of Eurasia.  He’ll feel right at home.

Finally, we have Toby, the Turtle! His hard helmet-like shell can ward off any beast, foe, or flesh-eating bacteria that come his way.  Do not underestimate his ability to be a champion, despite his being made of plastic…

Will the contestants please arrange yourselves at the starting line?

MOM: [yells from downstairs: “Zoe!! It’s dinner time! We’re having mac ‘n cheee-eeeeeeze!!”]

ZOE: Mac and Russian So-cheese???  [yells] Be right therrrrrrrrre!!

Sorry guys, gotta go… but if you wanna know who wins.  It’s Minnow, duh.