Johnny Little Jackson

by Ryan Krause

fanatical, financial, frightening, glittery, mystery, sugar

Johnny Little Jackson was full of fancy for a most obscure hobby anyone would ever imagine. He had collected sugar cubes. His mother scolded him to the bone for it:

"Johnny Little Jackson," she only blared his FULL name when he was in trouble "WHERE - IS ALL -THE SUGAR?!?" 

Johnny knew she was only angry because she had nothing left to sweeten her coffee.

Now it's possible you are asking yourself why she didn't have the sense to march up to little Johnny's bedroom and swipe back what was rightfully hers - she did the grocery shopping afterall. No, no, the cubes weren't being transported up to his sleeping quarters. In fact, they were being transported THROUGH. He was taking them to a magical mystery land he came upon that morning.

He was cleaning his room when he saw a little crack in the wall behind his clothes dresser. Curious little kitty-cat, he dug into the crack, and crawled for less than 5 minutes. There he found about a million sugar gnomes. He didn't know what they were at first, so he asked. They told him. Sugar gnomes don't keep secrets, but most people don't know that. In fact, most people don't know sugar gnomes exist at all.

"Num num, I am Wobblesquabble the leader. Num num! We love your glittery sweet rock. If by which circumstances might allow you to squander back to YOUR land to bring forth some for us we would be much appreciative num num."

So, that's exactly what Johnny Little Jackson did. He crawled back to his bedroom, then slipped down to the kitchen while his mother was in the washroom. He used a chair to boost himself onto the counter so that he could reach the cabinet and grant Wobblesquabble's request.

It was a mystery to Johnny as to why they needed sugar so badly. He had a feeling that he might have been doing them damage. Sugar is an unhealthy substance. Johnny remembered the instance when he assured them he would be able to retrieve their prize, the massive gnome-throng orchestrated a synchronized toothless smile. Millions of black hole mouths that beamed of rot and stink and nasty. It was frightening and foul, and gave Johnny the Willies. As he hopped off the kitchen counter, he took a moment to consider the consequences of his actions.

He returned to the bedroom carrying one box of raw sugar, a half-box of stevia, and a can of chopped tomatoes. He thought he might be able to teach the gnomes better habits with a fruit vegetable. The 5 minute crawl to the magical mystery land lasted 8 minutes this time because his hands were full. When Johnny presented his offering, the gnomes screamed and ran this way and that, as if a comet was about to strike them all dead.

"Naaaa YAAAA RED DEATH CUBES!! Naaa! YAAAAA!!!" 

They screamed like this for a while until Wobblesquabble arrived in a strange SUV shaped peppermint stick, and calmed them down.

"Yuk yuk, We ask for but one tiny gift, and you went forth AGAINST our wish yuk yuk!! You are now to be incarcerated for your evilniss yuk."

"But I was only trying to help."

"Yuk yuk, help for what? Put us into death sphere mode? yuk. You bring for us red death cubes, and launch my peoples into a spookshire scare? Yuk yuk, you are an evil little mooshbuck Johnny Little yuk!"

"But you can't eat as much sugar as you do! It will only--"

"Eat?!"

The gnomes burst into a chorus of laughter, coughing hoots and wallops out of their teeny-tiny lungs. "Num num, why for shall we EAT our glittery sweet rock?" the little gnome civilians were all rolling on the ground except for Wobblesquabble. "Num num, you silly child. For sweet rock is for the way for only we pay our debts to other num LANDS among numnum."

Another gnome squeaked up as if to translate.

"Financial equity moneys."

Johnny Little Jackson was embarrassed, and asked the gnomes if they would ever forgive him for being so closed minded. They refused.

"Yuk yuk, never may you come ever back to our land. For the num num sugar gnomes are ashamed of ever befriending such a narrow-headed yuck yuck."

They sent him on his way, and sealed up the crack.

Johnny Little slept very poorly that night.